Geting It RightHow To Become A Bureaucrat-11/11/08

B Sid Riley
This column presents a conservative viewpoint about items of interest in our community and our lives. Focus is on items impacting your pocket book, your personal freedoms, and your rights. I hope you will read the column regularly and it occasionally influences your opinions and actions. Now, on to the subject of the week:
"It takes unique qualifications to become a member of the ‘bureaucratic’ family".
The easiest, simplest, and quickest route to obtaining one of those revered jobs within a bureaucratic organization is to be born into the group. If you are fortunate enough to have a close family member, close friend, or other meaningful personal tie to one of the bureaucratic "chiefs", then the only qualification you will need to enter the fraternity is survive to become an adult.
Upon reaching the age of employability you will be automatically inducted into the brotherhood of bureaucrats, and will be awarded one of those secure, good paying, low requirement jobs with 14 paid holidays, liberal credit accumulations of sick leave days, and generously expanding vacation credits. If you then stay a part of the bureaucracy for twenty years or so, these benefits will be expanded to the point to where you can get paid for not working more days than the days you get paid for working.
Occasionally new people are added because they possess special skills which the system needs due to growth or added functions. For example, when the government decided to begin to provide ambulance service here in the county some twenty five or thirty years ago, they had to hire some new personnel who had the needed medical training and qualifications. Now, most new additions to this function are insiders who are groomed for these jobs, with prearranged entry into the group upon achieving certification.
Another way to open a doorway for entrance into the bureaucracy is the "coat tail" method. This approach involves finding a young, aggressive politician who has the necessary attributes of double talking skills, inside political "connections", money, and handsome appearance that combine to make the future elected official have a good chance for success. All you then have to do is become a big supporter, assist in his campaigns, help in fund raising, solicit votes, and get your man elected. As a reward, when he takes office he will be sure you are given a big, juicy bureaucratic position.
As part of the formal induction into the bureaucracy it is necessary to undergo a delicate medical procedure which accomplishes the transition from being a normal citizen into being a full fledged "crat" of one variety or another. This medical procedure is called a "Bureauinoctomy".
The procedure involves opening a small hole in one side of the candidate’s head, inserting a probe and carefully removing a significant portion of the brain. The focus is on removal of those portions of the brain which control logic, decision making, initiative, compassion, and a major part of the personality. Once the components of the brain have been removed, the surgeon then inserts the appropriate departmental Procedures and Policy Manual….and the process is complete. From that time onward, the new bureaucrat is devoid of any personal, individualized thinking or use of logic in handling situations. They can only function by turning their eyes upward until they can visualize the manual hidden inside their cranium, where they can then rigorously read and quote the rule which should be used to solve any problem.
The only remaining step in the induction ceremony is having the new "crat" recite the "Pledge of the Brotherhood of Bureaucrats", where they promise to always defend the necessity of all bureaucratic functions, to encourage a continual 3% growth in their function’s budget and staffing, to always spend all budgeted monies, to never become over productive, and to always put the needs of the bureaucracy ahead of the needs of the public. With this last step accomplished, they are certified as being fully qualified bureaucrats. They are awarded a government vehicle with a map to the best coffee shops and approved sleeping spots.
Their job for life is then permanently secured until they retire. Upon reaching retirement eligibility after a few years they will be given the choice of retiring with full benefits and most of their salary, or to enter the lucrative "drop" program where they can continue to work…but now at double their original pay. By engaging in this wonderful program they can accumulate hundreds of thousands of dollars in earnings during those last years of work, thus giving them the nest egg retirement benefit they really deserve.
I want to temper this critical description of the bureaucracy by inserting my respect for those public minded members of the bureaucracy who do their best to help and accommodate the public as they do their job. However, if you are one of those who use their authority to make things as difficult as possible for those citizens who must come past your desk to accomplish something they want to do, and each event is an ego trip for you…then this description applies.
Each bureaucrat reading this column will have to make their own evaluation as to how they approach their job.
It seems as you move away from the local bureaucracies and move into the upper levels at the state and federal levels, the occurrence of the abusive "crat" with the missing brain parts becomes more frequent. In this group I include our beloved IRS, the Corps of Engineers, the EPA and FDEP, the DOT, our group of intelligent airport TSA screeners, and many, many others. This listing is just the tip of the iceberg.
Rudiments: Odds and Ends Worth Mentioning-
● This weekend we attended the Christmas Presentation at the Bible College in Graceville. It involved approximately ninety singers, a full orchestra, song after song, numerous costumed acts with choreography and great music, and a great Christian theme. It was of professional quality and was without doubt the best Christmas play I have ever been to. If you missed it this year, you should do your best to go next year.
● A supporter sent me an article stating that Mexico has begun sending illegal Cuban immigrants back to Cuba. Previously they had been giving them visa’s and letting them use Mexico as a route to sneak into the USA.
● Another friend just dropped an article in the Democrat by for me to read. This article stated that our home grown terrorist, Bill Ayers, a leader of the bombing group called the Weathermen, is slated to speak at FSU. He is being sponsored on campus by a liberal student group called The Institute for Liberal Studies. School officials say they are not able to stop the presentation from coming on campus. I wonder if the KKK was being sponsored by another radical group if they would take the same position. It is a sad situation when you can’t have Christmas scenes on a college campus, but you welcome Bill Ayers for a visit.
● I saw one of Marianna’s finest lurking out in front of the Tom Thumb on Jefferson on Saturday afternoon, eagerly shooting his radar at the crest of the hill, hoping to catch some poor citizen who was still going 45MPH after the limit dropped to 35 MPH coming up the hill. I have been coming up and down that stretch for thirty eight years and can’t recall ever seeing a wreck along there, even back when the speed limit was 55 MPH ….but it is a good spot for them to snare someone and get some $$$ for the system.
Folks, our nation is about to enter a period of unprecedented financial stress, which will soon begin to severely impact most of the struggling citizens within our society. This includes you and me. I would suggest that we all should place our remaining liquid assets in the most secure place we can find, reduce our exposure as much as possible, and prepare for a period of financial strain. Do this and sadly, "You will be Getting It Right".
Note: The opinions stated in this column are solely those of the author and do not represent those of Hatcher Publications.