Cliptoons by S&S

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Getting It Right- Getting It Right's Predictions For 2008

January 3, 2008


By: Sid Riley


This column presents a non-partisan, conservative viewpoint about items of interest in our community and our lives. Focus is on items that are impacting your pocket book, your personal freedoms, and your rights. I hope you will read the column regularly and it occasionally influences your opinions and actions. Now, on to the subject of the week:
This week’s column will offer some likely predictions related to local government activities for the coming year.
Prediction – In order to help county voters decide between all of the eleven candidates for the job as county sheriff, the Republican Committee and the Democratic Committee for Jackson County will sponsor a special competition between the candidates. The event will involve making a paint ball war field out of a two block section of Marianna near the court house. The candidate who wins the paint ball shoot out competition will be deemed the most qualified to be sheriff.
Prediction – West Nile Virus will strike in Jackson County, killing six horses and two young children. When in-town water retention ponds are blamed for mosquito population increases, the Florida EPA denies any responsibility.
Prediction – A new mandate from the Tallahassee legislature will require all counties to have three (3) bailiffs present in the court house per each judge on premises.
Prediction – The water retention pond known as "Lake Kindelspire" at the Kindel Amusement Center will finally reach completion at a cost of over $700,000.
Prediction – State and local governments will approve a new retirement program titled "Double Dipping With A Bigger Spoon". Under this new program employees will be allowed to retire at 130% of their existing salary, and then be rehired for another government job at 100% of that job’s pay rate.
Prediction – A local man will gain notoriety for being the first man to walk across Meritt’s Mill Pond. Feat was enabled by record hydrilla growth on lake’s surface.
Prediction – Near the end of the year, City of Marianna will announce the Kelson Avenue paving project has reached 50% completion.
Prediction – Chipola College will be awarded grants for four new buildings on campus. Administrators admit they have no present use for the buildings, but they feel that if they build, the students will come! When accused of accepting unneeded grant monies, the administration states "If we don’t take it, some other college will!"
Prediction - County Commissioners will approve paid holiday’s # 12 and #13 for county employees. The new holidays are "April Fools Day" and "Ground Hog Day".
Prediction – The County Bed Tax will be increased to 22.5 %. Funds are needed to hire a new Tourism Director. The average occupancy in local hotels falls to an average of 18%.
Prediction – A move will be initiated to incorporate the new county town of "Malloyville" at interchange of I-10 and Highway 71.
Prediction – The 2000th church will be formed in Jackson County. New church group is called "Church of What’s Happening Now".
Prediction – Florida Public Utilities will petition the Public Service Commission for right to demand six months paid deposit from all customers. The utility will also request another rate hike of 74%. They argue the funds are needed due to increased cost of copper wire and to provide more stock options for Directors and Executives.
Prediction – Gas prices will rise to over $4.00 per gallon, and milk costs will soar to over $6.00 per gallon. Meanwhile, environmental groups will continue to exert their influence over legislators to prohibit off shore drilling, Alaska drilling, construction of nuclear power plants, and construction of additional refineries. "The Public should learn to walk and ride bicycles", leaders proclaim.
Prediction – A "Liquor by the Drink" referendum will fail for Jackson County. Opposition group states they next plan to move to make drinking coffee and tea illegal in the county.
Prediction – The new Florida Homestead Exemption laws significantly reduce county revenues from property taxes. Administrators are busy reviewing over thirty new tax programs to make up for the revenue short fall. "We will not reduce any services or cut any county jobs", administrators avow.
Prediction – The Florida EPA will force a halt to the construction of the new $17 Million dollar County Administration Building. The work is stopped when it is discovered the endangered Purple Tipped, Cross Eyed Grub Worm inhabits the old jail site.
Anyway, HAPPY NEW YEAR TO EVERYONE!! If you want a suggestion for a great New Year resolution….resolve to get involved during this election year. If you keep that promise, you will be "Getting It Right!!"

No comments:

Post a Comment